I let my music take me where my heart wants to go. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
雷丽曲

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I got a shoutout from someone trapped in a radio station. [Feb. 8th, 2010|09:53 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |Valley Winter Song - Fountains of Wayne]

Goal: for the next five weeks, write at least five sentences in this journal nightly. I've assigned my writing class the same task (well, in their own journals, not mine, but you get the point), and I wouldn't feel right (ha) about making my students do something I am not going to do myself.

...Of course, it is much easier for me to do this than it is for them, since English is my native language. Also, this is something I do anyway, nightly. But I want to make the effort anyway.
...And that was five sentences.


Anyway. Some other things.

-- Climbing again today. I found a route that I feel like I must be doing wrong, because it is easy. It's probably a V0, but I'm just surprised that there's a V0 that I hadn't seen until today. It's going the other way across a climb that I've been really like recently, another fun and easy V0.
I really hope I'm getting stronger. Wishing only seems to get one halfway there. My ankles and shins are killing me from running this weekend in less optimal shoes, and that made climbing annoying.

-- Sometimes I think that Will and I will always be friends and fall back to each other because, on some level, he and I both refuse to be grown-ups. He still loves his robots and monster movies and space adventures and explosions. I love my young adult literature and TV shows for kids and have a fascination with dolls and what toys are available. I don't know. Just something I was thinking about.

-- God I hope Wednesday is a snow day. They were calling for 12 to 18 inches of snow tonight, for Wednesday, and I hope that's the case. I need the time. As it is this month is insanely busy and I have to run twice as fast just to keep up. February and all. I'd love the time to relax. Slash, get more things done that I've kept pushing off. (Some are things I have been procrastinating for a YEAR. WTF.)


I need sleep. And I need it to be fucking warm.
One of those is likely for tonight. You can guess.
LinkSpeak of Peace

But then again, too few to mention. [Feb. 7th, 2010|10:49 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |Well, now it's "My Way". Thanks, NY Times.]

Turns out, I am incapable of drinking a single beer. I can drink maybe 75% of one, and then I just feel gross and overloaded.
Conclusion: beer is gross. Despite this, I will probably continue my tradition of trying to drink one during the Superbowl every year.

I enjoy random football games. Not as much as I enjoy the OLYMPICS HOLY CRAP I AM SO EXCITED ONE WEEK!!!, but still. It can be fun. I bet the Puppy Bowl is also fun. I should really switch back and forth. Of course, it isn't my house where I usually watch the game, so...

Olympics, btchz. I'm. Ready.
I feel like I'm the last person who gives a damn about the winter Olympics (and probably even the Olympics at all), but you know what? I don't care. In 2008 I was unemployed during the Beijing Olympics, so I watched a ton of events. This year I am working, but I plan to watch as many events as I can find televised(including, I hope, the Biathlon, aka the GREATEST of the winter Olympic sports...that's the one where people ski for awhile, and then shoot things).


In other news. Apparently, in the Philippines, some karaoke bars have had to ban the song "My Way" to due the large number of murders it causes. Thanks, NY Times, for this one.
This is a story for Wait Wait if I ever heard one. I hope they'll mention it next week.


Mmm. New classes tomorrow. Eek. Also tomorrow I have to do laundry, go rock climbing, practice singing (in theory), and lesson plan. I don't know HOW all of this is going to happen in one day. And on a day when I might get trapped listening to a radio station, too.

Alright. I'm tired. I think it's bedtime.
LinkSpeak of Peace

Silence is more compelling. [Feb. 7th, 2010|12:37 am]
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[Current Mood |hungry and tired]
[Current Music |Silence]

*If I took painkillers at...eight...something....well at the very earliest it was like 8pm (even though I know that isn't true) and now it's only 12.38 so it's been like four and a half hours max and so I probably shouldn't take any more quite yet. Even though I feel a bit of pain.
I'll probably take 800mg of ibuprofen before sleeping. Maybe that will help.
I'm hungry and that is annoying to me. I ate a bunch of food at 4.45pm. I don't want any more food 'till morning.

Work tonight. Big orchestra (probably the largest we have) with our favorite infamous conductor, who did his usual thing with arriving early and then scolding me for not letting him down before his allotted time slot. Grrrr. At least Ricardo was working too, and he's a fun fellow. I was grumbly upon arrival, and as we were setting up he asked me, "Do you want a hug?" To which my response was "No, I don't want a hug, I want to not have this same problem all the time." And he cracked up.
Sigh. Always so cold.

Today I impulse purchased a cookbook. That wasn't Cookin' with Coolio. Weird. It's a cookbook of recipes that are supposed to be 'healthier' versions of stuff one already likes to eat, as a way of cutting down calories, fats, and other stuff like that. I liked a bunch of the recipes in it (corn & bacon chowder, turkey meatloaf, CHOCOLATE LAVA CAKE), and I like the idea of getting into this. Doing this whole thing properly. Working out every day, maybe becoming toned, cutting back on foods, learning to cook new foods that taste good but also are less caloric than what I eat now. Not that I think what I eat now is so caloric...but still. I have no friends, I have no life. I might as well be completely self-centered and focus on this. Climbing, strength training, running when/if the weather ever gets warmer, cutting back, cooking more. I like the thought of cooking more. I like cooking.

I am tired.
Tomorrow is the superbowl. I think @ called it the "predictabowl" on his twitter, which I thought was pretty hilarious.


Things aren't great, but I don't want to talk about it.


I'm absurdly hungry, so I think that means it is bedtime. I need the sleep.


I like this silence.
LinkSpeak of Peace

I guess it's officially February now. [Feb. 5th, 2010|10:26 pm]
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[Current Mood |I have been crying for 3 hours]

I promise you, you don't even want to know.



I don't remember when I've had a worse night.
Link1 hippie|Speak of Peace

Look at how inept I am! I feel like listening to music. [Feb. 4th, 2010|09:26 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |I've Got You Under My Skin - Cole Porter]

Things I Was Supposed To Do Today
-- Laundry
-- Print out and sending in of job application for job in MA
-- Call Hampshire for their stupid alum thing
-- Call my therapist and figure out wtf is happening there
-- At least write down my therapists new phone number
-- Brush my dog since she is full of knots

Things I Did Today
-- Cooked dinner
-- Wii fit

Things I Might Still Do Today
-- Talk to Andy and figure out wtf is up with this weekend and exactly how overextended I'm gonna be
-- Watch Archer
-- Fucking relax, since I am tired and stressed out
-- Update for real
LinkSpeak of Peace

I had a title earlier. Oh well. [Feb. 3rd, 2010|10:17 pm]
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Rock climbing is probably the most positive thing in my life right now.

After working at the theatre for three days in a row, I had an afternoon free today, so I went back to the rock gym. Worked on that V1 problem from last week and got much further with it this time. Apparently, it's a layback. Who knew? Certainly not me. I actually got past the impossible part and made it to the last move. I am excited. I feel pumped. I'm getting stronger and becoming a better climber. That is exciting to me.


My stomach is being an idiot, which is NOT exciting.


I have a lot to say about the theater, but somehow, every time I come here to write, it suddenly is a time warp and time moves too fast and it's far too late fat too fast. Explain. I certainly can't.
I wish I had a completely free weekend. Unfortunately, I kind of have the exact opposite. My weekend is gonna be insane, what with working and Purimspeil, and @'s theoretical Superbowl party. I don't even know when I'm going to have time to lesson plan. Boohiss, indeed.
I should return Will's call. Will needs a symbol.

I should go to friggen bed, as well.
Just gotta get to Friday. So close. Test Friday, you know. That is a good thing.


I hope...
Well, I know.

I know what I want. At least, in a few very random regards.
That has to be worth something.
LinkSpeak of Peace

Things I should update about, but I'm too tired to right now. [Feb. 2nd, 2010|10:12 pm]
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[Current Mood | exhausted and exanimate]

Avatar, theatre, theatre, sickish, exhausted. Money. Worries.
Stomach sickish.
Not really sick, but stomached.

Frustrations.
Exhaustion.
Solitude.
...Bed.
LinkSpeak of Peace

"95% of what passes for music these days? Silence is more compelling." [Jan. 31st, 2010|10:23 pm]
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[Current Mood |lost in music, somehow]
[Current Music |Earth Song - Michael Jackson]

I gotta say, watching the Grammys tonight...
I friggen love music. Even music I don't like. Music, as a concept, is something I just love.
Also, I know every song. Every song. Even the bad ones.
...Mostly the bad ones.





Tonight's journal entry is brought to you by 'Almost Famous'.

I guess here's where normally I'd mention that real music chooses you...but not tonight.
I can't really bring myself to write much tonight, either. I spend the day immersed in music at work (concert hall today, classical music), and then came home and watched the Grammys. Words are just not making sense tonight. And I'm too buzzed on music to go to sleep right now.



And so here we are.
LinkSpeak of Peace

Fridays are like a personal victory. [Jan. 29th, 2010|10:08 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]

All week I have been waiting for Friday so I can go out and drink (it's not been a great week and I feel like drinking), but now it is Friday and I am totally exhausted. I'm in bed earlier than I have been all week. I'm going to watch '9 Dead Gay Guys' and then sleep forever. I like this plan.
LinkSpeak of Peace

I think they use metric. [Jan. 28th, 2010|10:36 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]

Someone's comment on a facebook status: "woo tags"
My comment on their comment, unposted: "Wu tang!"
Unposted because while I thought it was friggen hilarious, I was unsure if anyone else would think the same. Mxmvlcty? Thoughts?


Archer is a seriously awesome show, but I've got to say, they speak pretty damn fast. Even I can't catch every single word of what is said, and that distresses me, since it's all so funny. This is the kind of show that really can benefit from a second viewing.


Crappy commuting today, due to a fun combination of snow and oil. Oil spills on Rt. 3, to be exact. I ended up taking a train and being an hour and fifteen minutes late to my own class. Not thrilled about that one, I've got to say. Oh, well, it totally wasn't my fault. I don't enjoy waiting outside for a bus for an hour to no avail.


Tomorrow I'm showing 'Gattaca' in my class, as a way of opening a discussion about science and technology and morality without having to talk about any topics that might be uncomfortable for certain students. That is seriously one of my favorite movies. I think it'll be fun to watch in class. Hopefully it will spur some discussion.


Sunday I work. I hope Saturday and Friday are fun, but I have no reason to believe they should be.


Lots to do tomorrow afternoon. Let's hope I actually stick to my plans.


I get too distracted by the internet sometimes.
Link1 hippie|Speak of Peace

You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there. [Jan. 27th, 2010|10:36 pm]
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[Current Mood |wanting a shower]
[Current Music |When I Come Around - Green Day]

Aw, I love it when President Obama speaks. He's just so cute. And, you know, super intelligent. I appreciate it when he yells at Congress and tells them to stop acting like...well, like the NY State senate.

Hmm.....stuff.

-- My therapist, who sort of gave up on me, and who I also sort of gave up on, is apparently moving practices. I do not think I'm going to follow her, partially because I can't, really (I picked this place for therapy because I can walk there, and I don't always have access to a car), and also because therapy with her...did not work out. I don't know. I need to revamp my approach to it, probably. I'm playing musical therapists. It's probably my fault, but I just haven't found one that I trust yet, and until I do, I'm not going to get anywhere. Ugh. Life is frustrating.

-- Rock climbing again today. It is frustrating to me, going in there every single day, and knowing how much better I'd get / how much more fun I'd have / how much longer I'd stay there if I were able to top rope climb every time I went. But I am destined to be alone. Mother fuckers.
I did a V1 boulder today and made pretty much everything except the last move. I have to stick it, none of this 'tap the top and call it done' shit. I also tried a V1 that I utterly failed on, by which I mean, could only get about halfway up. My fingertips lack the necessary strength for this kind of thing. But I got sweaty and gross in the process, so I feel like I win. I love being sweaty and gross while climbing. Equally, I love feeling strong and feeling like I look totally cool when I'm doing some weird climbing move on the wall.
I absolutely adore rock climbing. I hope that one day, I find someone who likes it as much as I do, who is nearby and who will climb with me all the time, and who will help me achieve and possibly even share my goals of being a real rock climber, who goes out on real climbs during weekends in the summers. It's odd, maybe, but I love this. I need this, I want this. I want to be good at this, and I want to do it with my whole heart. (心, of course. Heartmind.)

-- 'Gattaca' should not be so hard to buy from a store on dvd. I am displeased. Let's see how tomorrow goes. Hopefully I won't be 100% screwed, though lord knows it is possible.

I guess that is all. I am going to take a shower (a really, really hot shower) and then go to bed. Maybe I'll call Will, but he will probably not answer. Tomorrow is Thursday, which means it is almost Friday.
I want to go out drinking Friday night. Maybe I will poke |. I really wanted to go out drinking tonight after climbing, but I did not. I've got a craving for alcohol and sore muscles.
LinkSpeak of Peace

Silly TV shows take over. ("I want YOU / to want / ME.") [Jan. 26th, 2010|10:10 pm]
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[Current Mood | weird]
[Current Music |FNT - Semisonic]

Things are just boring. Boring, and kind of crap. Not the best combination ever.

Watching '10 Things I Hate About You' (the TV series) on hulu has made me wish to be in the dating scene more than anything has in 19 months. By which I mean, at all. I miss that kind of easy, silly affection. That kind of excitement that can't be dampened by my inherent cynicism. Something that positive, not inherently negative, like my whole life seems to be.

I'm surprised that you've never been told before,
That you're lovely, and you're perfect,
And that somebody wants you.
I'm surprised that you've never been told before,
That you're priceless, yeah, you're precious,
Even when you are not new.



I need something new.
I need someone new.
It's time to move on.

Now if only I had any idea how to make that happen.




Time to call Will to complain and maybe get ideas about lesson planning.
Link1 hippie|Speak of Peace

You noticed. [Jan. 25th, 2010|10:12 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]

From facebook, which occasionally provides me with the majority of my life's entertainment.

Chris: Peanut butter on a spoon, truly a king's dinner!
Ellen: why are you homeless
Chris: Do you mean to ask why I have such refined tastes?


Ah, Christanbul. I adore him.


Hmm. Other. Stuff.

-- Work is shit, I don't want to write about it any more. I am tired.

-- Working out is painful and my body aches more than I would like it to. Shame nothing will come of it.

-- Really, really horrible episodes of House and Heroes tonight. Heroes doesn't surprise me that much. Actually, neither does House. They can't ALL be good. And yet through it all, Hugh Laurie has never lost his appeal to me.
On House tonight, their patient was a psychopath, and I was like "Hey! I know one of those!" It was kind of cool.

-- There is a TV show of '10 Things I Hate About You' now. I accidentally got hooked. I blame Will, even though technically it is completely, 100% not his fault. I still blame him nevertheless. I will probably call him in a few minutes and tell him this. Anyway, so I've been watching it. It is...not good. It's not bad, though, also. Or else it's bad in that kind of way that makes me want to just keep watching it. It's on ABC family channel, I guess it's designed for, like, older middle school kids. Maybe for the 9th grade set. It is weird seeing the same plot take seasons instead of 2 hours, and it sucks not having Julia Stiles and Heath Ledger in the show, but the writing is pretty good, and I've been enjoying wasting my last day or so with it.

-- Today I asked my students what some of the values they learned as children were, and among the answers of respect for other, honesty, and helpfulness was the answer "Don't kill yourself". I laughed a bit, but not NEARLY as much as I wanted to.


All my friends are going to MA around Presidents Day. And I can't go. And that sucks, a lot, but I'm trying to convince myself that really it's better, 'cause I know that some of them really don't want me to go anyway. Not to name any Flanagans.


Today it was raining, but 60 degrees. I could deal with winter if it never got below 60. Hell, 50 would be acceptable to me.


Soon it's going to be February.
I'd be terrified, normally, but honestly, I feel like this whole month has just been a giant prelude to February. I am destroying friendships and relationships left and right here. Due to my inability to function in the winter, in this fucking house, being this angry, furious, all the fucking time. Living here has done that to me. I'm not a real person anymore. I'm just fucking....well, I'm February in a box. In a body. There's nothing left.





Fuck.
I need a fight.
TK would give me the kind of fight I need.
Back in the day, so would |. Who, apparently, has just gotten his old symbol back. Weeeeeeird. Good thing I didn't redistribute it yet.
Really, what I need is to find someone in my life right now who will give me that kind of fight. I need to be able to get angry, to lash out and be physically violent, without actually hurting anyone. While getting mildly hurt myself. The ability to be angry and violent, the push back into my place with a bit of pain. I need it. I need it so I can be stable again. I need someone who doesn't get scared when I'm angry. Who doesn't get annoyed and shove it off out of hand.

God, that is something that I need, desperately. Something I want, even. And you know it's serious if I can say THAT. Someone to fight with.
I need that fight.
I need that pain.
Link2 hippies|Speak of Peace

A witty title should go here, but I forgot one. [Jan. 24th, 2010|01:56 am]
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[Current Mood |cold, tired]
[Current Music |Somebody to Love - Leighton Meester]

@: "I thought about changing my three adjectives to 'Grumpy', 'Terrible', and 'Not kidding'."

Spent the night tonight hanging out with Phil and Abbie, which means, essentially, nonstop laughing. Phil has a rapping, dancing snowman that caused me to laugh so hard I started to cry. Abbie's putting her dicks in people's mouths. I am quick with a snappy comeback. It is pretty good.

Phil told me and Abbie that he likes our friendship, like, the way she and I interact with each other. I must say, I like it quite a bit myself.

Not a ton else to say. Rock climbing today, which was fun, but not as fun as it would be if I had a chance to actually top rope climb ever. Also an encounter with a cute guy at the nearby bakery, but a) I can't tell how old he is and b) he probably thinks I'm weird 'cause I asked for iced tea, which they do not have in the winter.

I had more to say, but I am totally exhausted. I think it might be sleeping time.

Is there somebody who still believes in love?
I know they're out there.
Oh is there somebody,
I search around the world but I can't seem to find
Somebody to love.
LinkSpeak of Peace

An odd combination of bored and furious. [Jan. 22nd, 2010|10:39 pm]
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[Current Mood | tired]

Shades from 2004...

~: Why are there no more wonderful males?
[: There are, they just date each other.

Sigh. He was right, you know.



I am really bored. Also, exhausted.
Know what's wrong with males? Or, at least, the ones I know whom I am friends with? They have no ability to make me feel like I matter to them. They never say things like "Oh, hey, I'm really happy that you're my friend", or "Hey, we're doing this thing, I really hope that you'll be able to come because I like you." Normally this is where I'd get all stereotypical and says in a whiny voice something like "Guy just don't DO that", only some of them do. Keegan does that. That's one of the reasons I like him so much. He always tells people how he feels about them, the way that I try to do. I don't want people thinking I take them for granted, so I tell them that I like them, I invite them to do shit with me, I say the words "I like it when you are around and I wish we could so more stuff together". And my male friends, for as amazing as they are...just totally don't do that. Am I alive? Am I dead? They honestly don't seem to care sometimes. Me being there? Doesn't fucking matter to them. Whatever. I'm just some other chick who isn't hot enough for their tastes, not enough to be included and or sought after.

I find it horribly frustrating, the extent to which my closest male friends have a tendency to ignore my existence and not give a shit if I'm there or not, alive or dead.



God, some nights.
LinkSpeak of Peace

I'm tired and things are boring. [Jan. 21st, 2010|09:27 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Mood | tired]
[Current Music |Friends - Flight of the Conchords]

Life is REALLY boring.
Teaching is going badly so I really don't want to write about it. I am in need of a weekend, that is for damn sure.

I think, really, what I need is to live in a perpetual weekend. If only that paid.

I was going to rock climb today, but instead, did nothing. My life would be exponentially better if I had a friend who could belay and liked climbing around all the time, because then I swear I'd be at the rock gym like ever friggen day. And I'd actually accomplish any of my effing goals. Bouldering alone really leaves something to be desired.

Aw crap I've just remembered that I have to write an email for work. Best get on that, then....more for later. Life is boring. I hope this weekend sucks less than this week has sucked.
Link2 hippies|Speak of Peace

I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark / Any chance collison and I light up in the dark. [Jan. 19th, 2010|09:25 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |cold, tired]
[Current Music |I Have The Touch - Peter Gabriel]

So today I decided that emotions and baking are pretty much exact opposites. I feel quite confident in that declaration.

Hmm. I don't know. My day pretty much sucked at work, except for the part where two of my new students today are identical twin men from Montenegro. I had sort of not known that was a country, or else had know and had forgotten. Montenegro is a tiny European country that's a part of the former Yugoslavia. Apparently they have a population of 650,000. I have now exhausted my knowledge of Montenegro, though I hope to, in the future, learn some more stuff about it from my twin students. Who have identical voices. And therefore make identical pronunciation mistakes. It's weird.


Not much else to say. Was going to do Wii fit today but had a crapton of other stuff to do first and ended up not getting to it. I'm still really exhausted. Hopefully I'll be going to bed before 11 tonight.

I think Jess is back in the USA. I hope that is the case.
I should write an email or something to Cora.
Ugh, I should write an email to friggen everyone.


In a world that is not this one, I was planning on going to Amherst this weekend, to visit friends that I miss.

I've been falling into some music these days. It's nice. It's a bit like hiding from the world. And we all know I do that so skillfully. I do enjoy it.
...I should probably make "I Have the Touch", by Peter Gabriel, the theme song of my life. Not 'cause I like it that much, but because it is so damn accurate.


Anyway. Tired. I guess that is all for now.
Link2 hippies|Speak of Peace

Everybody-else-knew-this-stuff-years-ago-town. (Or, cereal fascinates me as a concept.) [Jan. 18th, 2010|10:40 pm]
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[Current Mood | exhausted]

I am exhausted. Which, I suppose, is what comes of only sleeping for like 4 hours last night.

Man, Heroes just sucks now. I watched it again tonight. I shouted at the screen a few times. I want them to give up.
Really, I should just give up.
Or become a writer myself.
Or, well, who the eff knows. Really what I should do is go to bed, which will happen sooner rather than later, I think. I need to catch this journal up, but I am so fucking tired. So...instead, some of Phil's thoughts on the subject, since he's funnier than I am like 75% of the time.

( Phil and I talk about stuff. )
LinkSpeak of Peace

Days off are mostly better than...everything. [Jan. 18th, 2010|11:27 am]
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[Current Mood | hungry]
[Current Music |I feel like listening to pop country.]

# will be so proud of me!

Also, the fact that Phil works today is just craptown. Mostly 'cause he's number 2 on the list of like 4 people I really want to talk to right now. I need to talk to some of my guy friends.

Last night I was up until like 4.30am. Nights are better when that happens.

More for later. For now, brunch, possibly going to the rock gym, and taking advantage of a nice and sunny day.

I should make a point of chatting with # later, or sending her an email. I think she would be pleased with me.
LinkSpeak of Peace

Oh FUCK YOU ALL. [Jan. 17th, 2010|12:14 am]
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[Current Mood |furious]

Just because I am NOT LIKE YOU does NOT mean I'm pathetic.
There's NOTHING wrong with me, how I am, the way I interact with people and the world, just because it isn't the way YOU fucking interact with the world.

STOP. JUDGING. ME.
Link1 hippie|Speak of Peace

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