I let my music take me where my heart wants to go. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo] 雷丽曲 [ userinfo | deadjournal userinfo ] [ archive | journal archive ]

C.O.L.D. [Nov. 20th, 2009|10:19 pm] [Tags | mundane ] [ Current Mood | tired ] Brrrr. So ever since I got my new awesome bed, I've been stuck in a bit of a blanket shortage. This didn't matter so much in the summer, since it was the summer and it was warm, but now that the weather (and more importantly, this stupid house) is getting colder, I'm really noticing the lack of proper blanketage. I've taken to wearing extra layers when going to bed (two nightshirt layers instead of one), and all of my throw blankets are on my bed (two fleece blankets from college and the crochet blanket my mother made for my sister when she was a little kid, who didn't want it because it was pink), but it's still not sufficient. Blegh, cold. I had more to say, about my ankle, but my phone is ringing. Phone time, for Will! Link Speak of Peace

More for later. But. For rememberance. [Nov. 20th, 2009|09:11 pm] [Tags | cryptic, thinking ] [ Current Mood | thinking, missing ] Happy birthday, Will. ...Happy birthday, [. Link Speak of Peace

Hungry and still unattractive. [Nov. 19th, 2009|10:32 pm] [Tags | mundane, rock climbing, wii ] [ Current Mood | hungry ] In short, since I STILL have no fucking time. -- Rock climbed today and my ankle swelled back up. I think I'm gonna go back and climb again tomorrow. Despite the ankle. It doesn't hurt that much unless it gets knocked the wrong way, and then it hurts so much I want to cry. Fuck injuries. -- Wii fit tonight. I think the concept of "exercise makes you lose weight" is a big fucking lie, but I don't know what the fuck else I can try. I'm hypoglycemic, so I have to eat now. What BULLSHIT. -- Derek is coming to the USA next week! Well, technically tomorrow, but whatever, I'll see him next week. HE CALLED ME FROM ENGLAND! This is why Derek is one of the best people I know. He cares enough about me to make sure I know he's coming in to town, and to CALL ME FROM ENGLAND. I am sucking at talking to everyone today. I'm gonna call Will now and see if that trend changes. Link 2 hippies|Speak of Peace

Occasionally, I do shit for MYSELF. [Nov. 19th, 2009|06:38 pm] [Tags | mundane ] [ Current Mood | grumpy ] I have said this before, and I know I will say it again, and I will update later, and this is not really the main point of my day, but. I am at no one's beck and call. Thanks, and good evening. I'll be back later. Link Speak of Peace

We're on land, though. Though it's hard to tell. [Nov. 18th, 2009|09:25 pm] [Tags | mundane ] [ Current Mood | tired ] A rare minute that's almost to myself. Taking time out from most interactions with unusually absent people to update. Let's see if I can do this. I still feel very rushed, even though I have no reason to feel so. So take a breath, and see. Calm down. Deep breaths. And get yourself dressed. -- I don't know how to watch an important extended family member of mine die of cancer. I wanted to talk about it here. I don't know if I can, emotionally. No one will talk about it, but drastic measures are being taken by her family. People quitting jobs. Events being planned. And my family being determined to go to every single one. And no one is talking about it, but you can feel it hidden in what's unspoken, and I don't know what to do or how to feel. I feel like a stone so much of the time. -- Shit I never even wrote about new classes. They're going well. I have a bunch of students from not last session but the session before, so that's good, only a smaller class size so I can actually handle it now. Yaaay. And my one hour class is pronunciation, the only thing I honestly feel qualified to teach. I know places of articulation. I am awesome. -- Abbie and I did our book club today, which was fantastic. We talked about 'Her Fearful Symmetry' for like an hour. I love Abbie, and we can speak about books together SO WELL. I'm looking forward to our next book. I think it's going to be 'The Lovely Bones'. We're going on a theme here. Abbie made cheesecake brownies and we talked forever about books and it made my day good. -- Other things that made my day good: Seeing Jess's showtunes comment. (Man, showtunes piss me off in a way that makes me immediately ungrumpy.) Talking to Cora for a really long time, totally uninhibited 'cause Cora understands things. (I bet she would even understand And you can have it all / My empire of dirt, if I ever told her.) And wii fit. I bought Wii fit plus, and am still doing exercises. Tomorrow I think I will go to the rock gym. It's been a little over 5 weeks since I sprained my ankle (the reason I stopped going), and it hurts a bit still, but I think it's okay enough to climb on now. The pain of not climbing is worse than the pain in my ankle. I am always stronger than I remember when I do exercise shit. So why, then, am I so fat? I'm not unfit (though I am unbalanced unless I am on a rock wall). But I have this body I am unsatisfied with. Yet I am strong. These two do not seem to fit in my book. Tomorrow is Thursday, which means almost Friday, which means almost weekend, next week, and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I'm really looking forward to it. I need to figure out the whole month of December. I need to get my shit together and then call Will. And go to bed. Link 3 hippies|Speak of Peace

'Cause you're always burning up so bright / When there's someone there by your side. [Nov. 17th, 2009|11:15 pm] [Tags | lyrics, mundane, placeholder, thinking ] [ Current Mood | exhausted ] [ Current Music | You're everybody's satellite. / I wish that you were mine. ] Sigh. One day, I will HAVE TIME TO EFFING UPDATE MY JOURNAL. Tonight I have been busy Being There for Other People. Not that I mind so much, since it's all people I love talking to (and one person I have been wanting to talk to...Deathfest Guy got back in touch with me. Word, dude), but I haven't been able to have meaningful conversations with any of them. I talked to Will tonight while doing like a million other things, and that annoyed me. I like to talk to Will when I'm NOT distracted. Same with talking to Andy, and Andrew, and even to Mink. I need to have my head NOT ALL OVER THE PLACE. No one got a good conversation from me tonight, unless they are still online NOW. But now I am exhausted and want to go to bed, but feel obligated to try to have some semblance of real conversations with my friends. Ugh. This is frustrating. Everyone needs to be online at 9pm, and around, so I can actually carry on conversations with all of them at once. Phone calls while typing does not help at ALL. I want very much to stand up, literally and figuratively, and shout "THIS IS MY TIME NOW! THIS IS ~ TIME! THIS IS TIME FOR ME TO DO WHATEVER I WANT, TO TALK TO WHOMEVER I WANT, TO DO ~ THINGS AND HAVE MY CONVERSATIONS ON MY TERMS, DAMN THE REST OF THE WORLD!" I realize, of course, how ridiculous this sounds. My time is never completely my own. Plus in theory, I had "my time" earlier today, when I did Wii fit and then went to Best Buy and spent money. But what I mean is, my time at night, to talk to people on MY terms, and update my journals on MY terms, get what I 想 from people. You know what? It's not just 想。 It's 要, too. Fuck all this shit. I am tired and cold. And tired. Maybe someday, I will update my journal every again. For now, 安人 is snoring, and I am jealous. It's over now and I've gone without, 'Cause you're everyone else's girl. It seems to me you'll always be, Everyone else's girl. Link 1 hippie|Speak of Peace

Grumpy Gus. [Nov. 16th, 2009|10:57 pm] [Tags | mundane, placeholder ] [ Current Mood | grumpy ] There was a scary bug in my room and I killed it all by myself. I was not afraid of bugs until I went to China and spent the Worst Night Ever hiding from the cockroach in the bathroom. Now I am afraid of bugs, but I have to kill them myself, 'cause for all intensive purposes I live alone. I am training Serenity to kill bugs (she plays with them first, and eventually eats them, it's like her favorite game), but she was asleep in her crate and too tired to kill this bug. So I killed it. It was scary. I am so fucking exhausted. So here's in short. -- Classes today were fine. Still reserving judgment but my hopes are high. A student of mine today mentioned 'Cube' and it was AWESOME. -- I have SO much to say about family but I want to save it for when I am not totally exhausted. -- I am, as I wrote on my Twitter today, a saucerful of secrets. Can't really talk about it, though, 'cause then wouldn't they just cease to be secrets? But who knows...the time might be approaching. -- Did Wii fit today, because my fucking ankle is STILL sprained, which means I can't go climbing yet. I am in half a mind to say FUCK THE ANKLE and climb anyway, but a part of myself is telling myself that I would regret it. BUT THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING. Boohiss. My knee hurts, as well, and thigh area. Uck. -- Heroes was fucking terrible tonight. In 5th grade I wrote a play that was a murder mystery. In it, this character died, and the rest of the characters solved the mystery. At the end of the play, the dead character walks back onstage, to the huge shock of the others, and says "They brought me back to life!" Abbie made fun of me for YEARS about this, but really, she shouldn't have. Turns out, I could have gotten a job as a writer on Heroes in 5th grade. I curse like 85% more when I'm tired. I'm cold and want to go to bed. But sometimes, I just need to talk to my friends. I was really feeling much better earlier. But now I am grumpy. And no one can kick me out of grumpy mode. Because, as we all know, it is a thing that I need to be shoved out of, with a steamroller and Broadway showtunes. Link 1 hippie|Speak of Peace

And what I choose is my voice. [Nov. 15th, 2009|11:37 pm] [Tags | *, placeholder, thinking ] [ Current Mood | tired ] [ Current Music | Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins ] *Sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I really do the right thing. I'm exhausted and sick, still, so I'm going to bed, but there will be more for tomorrow, about my weekend (huzzah for the lake, and solitude and thinking and grey skies and New York State), and families, and maybe, just maybe, starting to become a little bit guarded. Despite this solitude, maybe I can start opening up again to people, start letting people into my world a little bit more. My body feels like shit, but my mind and spirit are hanging in there. Despite family worries and troubles and concerns. Sleep now. Actually, unpacking now, and THEN sleep. And maybe some fucking water, I am absurdly dehydrated. Link Speak of Peace

I liked the bit about dealing with most of my bad days alone. [Nov. 12th, 2009|10:37 pm] [Tags | *, thinking ] [ Current Mood | aching ] [ Current Music | What It Is - Mark Knopfler ] *WOW the visceral reaction I just had when picking up my bottle of painkillers was weird. I picked up the bottle to take some meds as pain prevention (avoiding cramps is half the battle, preventative action makes them SO much less painful), and as I picked up the bottle, my body FREAKED OUT. Like, shaking/cringing/visceral reaction. Weeeeird. I bought some more Nyquil today. And got carded. Rock on for that. I also ran into Charles on the bus, which was unexpected and reminded me that I really need to hang out with Anelise, ever. And I ran into P-Higgie on the street. TOTALLY WEIRD. MAN did I not know what to say to him. But I made small talk for a bit before I moved on. Weird weird weird. I guess that's the theme of this entry. I have been doing some thinking about my relationships lately. All of them, and how I feel like I have been really spreading myself thin and not spending enough time with certain friends. And I have been giving some people the short end of the stick. This is in part because I have not had the greatest 5 weeks ever (sickness abounds, and then falling and fucking up my ankle, plus colds, and now this Ubercold I have), and I have really let a LOT of shit fall to the wayside. I've not been the best teacher these five weeks, I know it. I have spent too much time with my mind on my ailing body. I'm not proud, but that is how it is. But I still feel bad for letting certain relationships slip though a bit. I really need to make more of an effort to put myself more out there, to make more time for people who matter to me. I've even let my friendship with Will slip a bit these past few weeks, due to illness and work and other mess, though that's picking back up. He and I talk on the phone when he's driving home from work, and that is a schedule thing that really fits in. I am...used to talking to him before I go to bed. He calms me down. So it works out pretty well, since driving home from work his time is going to bed time my time. But other people....I'm not doing so well. So I'm going to try to make more of an effort. Even though that means breaking the solitude a bit. Next weekend Phil and I will have Sunny Date, and watch some 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' together. I might try to make more phone calls, catch up with some more absent people on a more regular basis. Talk to Ellen more. Call Colin every so often, since I keep dreaming about him and thinking I see him places. Reconnect with Jacob, now that he's back in the states. Ideally I want to spend more actual time with these people, being in the same place with them, but since that is kind of impossible due to distance, I want to try to connect a bit more by phone. And I want to send more emails, to people like Cora and Lilly. People I miss desperately. I don't know. When I write all of this down, it seems like I AM spreading myself thin. How can I be so emotionally available to so many people? Can I really strengthen my ties with all of these people who are all so damn far away? But where I am right now, how I am right now...I feel....I don't know. I am so stuck in solitude, I have so few PHYSICAL emotional ties, to people who are nearby, and I miss my friends so much. Being everybody else's everything is, I feel like, something I almost NEED right now, because otherwise my mind goes to a very dark and bad place. Living for others can help to keep you...afloat. I understand that. Not saying that it wouldn't be great to find somebody who wanted to be everything I needed, for ME. But that's nowhere to be found. And I don't NEED anything, anyway. I am quite capable to taking care of and handling myself, thankyouverymuch. And we don't talk about 想 nearly enough. Tomorrow I am going up to the lake for the weekend. Last weekend till spring. Load up on the white wine, kids. I will miss the internet. I will be available by phone, though. Calls are always welcome. Going away this weekend isn't running away. Yet somehow, it almost always feels like it. I don't really mind, though. Everybody's...well, no, that doesn't really apply here. My ears are ringing again. Nyquil is taking effect. Hello, sleep. Take me under. Link 1 hippie|Speak of Peace

I guess you could say he could see right through me. [Nov. 11th, 2009|09:57 pm] [Tags | conversations, sick, thinking ] [ Current Mood | sick ] Very sick. Stayed home today. Did some work for school, but not enough. I want to be out of school. Today I realized that [ and Will have the same birthday. This is noteworthy 'cause I could never remember when either of their birthday's were...I always ['s was on the 5th, and Will's was on the 22nd. I was wrong on both counts. I am the worst friend in the universe. Need to email people, but I am feeling way too sick to do it. There are no words to the degree of illness I feel. FUCK. I am the worst ever. How is it possible I feel this horrible and NOT HAVE PIG FLU? The point of this entry is this. I found this tonight, in annals of journal entries from 2005. I was telling Andy about it this weekend, so it seems relevant. Unedited. [: "I always found it sort of ironic how Sharonna was in many ways the opposite of the things that make you attractive to a lot of people." ~: "Yeah? How do you mean?" [: "Well I don't know what you visualized as ideal in high school, I don't know what you wanted to be or what you thought beauty looked like. If there were aspects of this character you fantastically aspired to, in terms of being feared and respected and envied and wanted." ~: "Right." [: "But if there were aspects of the character you saw as preferable, I find it a little bit funny that some of the things about you that make people want to be around you, like your dorkiness and humor and openness and vulnerability and friendliness, is so far removed from that ideal." Heh. He always did know everything. Link Speak of Peace

(all of this for you) [Nov. 10th, 2009|09:58 pm] [Tags | 12725, sick, thinking ] [ Current Mood | OMG SICK ] [ Current Music | 'Will You Being Me Sorrow?' ] OMG HELP ME PLEASE I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING. I feel like SHIT. Wow. So quick update on what we call... Mind, Body, Spirit - the Ultimate Dimension! ('cause you can't have one without the, ooooother.) Mind: Shitty. Spent the day stuck in a combination of Don't waste your time on me, you're already / the voice inside my head and Ocean pulls me close / and whispers in my ear, / The destiny I've chose, / all becoming clear. For a few minutes there was even a hint of I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but I couldn't even accept that. So. What does that mean? Well, overwhelmingly, it means [. It's like early April all over again, with searching, missing, thinking, almost believing. And not knowing what the FUCK to do with this object that is STILL sitting in my closet, that I can't even look at, because I start to cry. It's more than that, though. It's hiding a bit, too. It's being unused to asking for things, and not knowing how to need when I'm used to being pushed away. It's being stuck in solitude. It's not needing anything, because I'm not used to being allowed to need. Ugh, I don't even know WHAT the fuck is going on in my brain. All I know is that I desperately want to talk to Lillian. Body: Worse. Ankle still hurts...welcome to WEEK 4. I'm out of the aircast, though, and able to walk around. No climbing for me until it heals more, though, and no DDR. Or WiiFit running. And now, my throat hurts so much I can't swallow and can hardly breathe, my head is fuzzy and my glands are swollen. OMG HELP I FEEL SO HORRIBLE. Talking hurts. Breathing hurts. Everything aches. Typing doesn't hurt. I will be in bed soon. Spirit: My friends, the time has come. Abbie and I have made the decision....we are returning to 12725. I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED. We're going to go up for a long weekend, possibly New Years, possibly some other weekend. We finalized List 1 of People We're Going to Try to Invite tonight. We took into account people who don't have the money to go / don't have the time to go, or both. Some people on our list will probably not be able to come, so we are ready for Round 2 should need be. ...I feel like I might finally be going home. I have so many emails to send, but I am feeling WAY too sick to send them tonight. Sleep, I think. More Nyquil so I stop feeling pain. I just took one, but I need another one. Man it never ceases to amaze me. In a world where I feel ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE, the shittiest of the shit, I am still to one to ask other people if they're alright. Motherfucker. Link Speak of Peace

Anything at any price. / All of this for you. [Nov. 9th, 2009|10:14 pm] [Tags | long update, lyrics, thinking ] [ Current Mood | cold ] [ Current Music | The Great Below - NIN ] I have too much to write, so some of it has to be abbreviated. -- Friday. Wow, okay. In the morning I went to the ticker-tape parade, which was okay, but kind of cold and I couldn't see much. I could see best when looking at the parade as reflected on the building I was closest too. And I didn't know who anyone on the floats were. So I left around noon, and went back to the school and did some work. My bosses were like "WTF you came back? You are so weird." Yes, yes I am. In the afternoon Abbie and I had the BEST time. We had some lunch at the Korean place underneath the karaoke bar where Ethan sometimes had gigs, and we went to the Natural History Museum!!! SO MUCH FUN! Abbie is the best person to go there with. Also, the moon is still a real place, what the FUCK. Also, dinosaurs, elephants, and the motherfuckin' whale. After the museum we got some coffee, then went to see 'Black Dynamite', my new favorite really specific genre movie. It was amazing. I think I was laughing or smiling the whole time. I love movies that commit like that. I need to see it again with Phil. We got dinner at Chevy's, since it was downstairs, and the food surprised us by being good. Then I stuck around to meet Andy (whose bus was late booooo) and Abbie went home. Got back home super late. -- Saturday did not a whole lot. Andy and I took Serenity on a walk. And he fixed my computer! I CAN PLAY DDR AGAIN NOW! YAAAAY!!!!!!!!!! This is why Andy is awesome. Watched some Sunny, hung around and talked, standard 'wasting a weekend in a good way' day. Got dinner with Abbie at Toro. Saw a stalker cat in my yard. -- Sunday. Long talks and long walks. BEAUTIFUL day, so Serenity got a long walk, and Andy came with me, so, long conversations. I dunno. Shaky ground for a bit, but ultimately fine? I don't know. I continually forget that I'm fucking crazy and some of my friends are not just used to it. Will is used to me, Flandrew is used to me, Phil is used to the insanity. And I talk to them the most, and they know how to deal with me when I get weird. Andy doesn't know that so much, so...weirdness. But it's all fine now. Work was NOT fine. Madness. Giant paintings that required the genie, recordings we didn't know about, fucking musicians asking for my job. I don't know. But it was okay, 'cause I took myself out to dinner, and I ran into someone TOTALLY unexpected but welcome on the way home. CORDELIA. I have not seen her since we were like 9. It was awesome, I have to tell Abbie about it tomorrow. The three of us should totally hang out. -- Mysteries can be discovered. Deathfest DM guy on whose eval I wrote that he was cute discovered me. I think he thinks I'm cute, too. If I ever go back to Amherst (which is likely), he and I might have the opportunity to get to know each other better. Hello, booyah. Rare occasions when I show spine are rewarded. -- Neither here nor there, but one of the things I loved about Will is that he understood the need for alone time and personal space. I remember this one time, when I was visiting him in Utah, and we talked about how weird and kind of annoying it was to be around each other all the time. He needs a lot of space, more then I do, even. But I, too, am used to spending a lot of time alone, so that is a thing I can understand. -- Missing [ fiercely. Hence the Johnny Cash, the NIN. Hence the blanking out and starting to talk about something and shutting the hell up when I remember no one wants to fucking hear it. I am not allowed to talk about it, so I don't. 'Cause no one wants to hear about you and your dead friend. Doesn't stop me from thinking, all the damn time. Goddammit. He will be so pissed at me. ...And so much of the time, I still use present tense. Ocean pulls me close And whispers in my ear, The destiny I've chose All becoming clear. The currents have their say, The time is drawing near, Washes me away, Makes me disappear. And I descend from grace In arms of undertow. I will take my place In the great below. Edit, a few minutes later. I wonder how you tell somebody that you're not used to being wanted. That distance and physical space always came first. That you were never needed. That you are never needed. I don't even begin to understand. Link Speak of Peace

And you can have it all / My empire of dirt. [Nov. 8th, 2009|12:08 am] [Tags | cryptic, lyrics, scattered, thinking ] [ Current Mood | scattered ] [ Current Music | Hurt - Johnny Cash (NIN) ] This is why I am crazy. I was in bed, having just done some reading, and I turned out the light, and crawled under the cover, and suddenly this popped into my head, and it was....is....so hugely, vitally important that I felt the need to 'wake up', per se, get out of bed, turn on my computer, and write it here. Despite how FREEZING it is in this room. What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know goes away in the end. It is this strange kind of solitude that I don't even pretend to understand, and am only starting to realize now the extent to which it has engulfed me. [ would have talked about it with me, but then again, he talked about everything with me. if i could start again a million miles away i would kill myself i would find a way... Link Speak of Peace

Lyrics I don't even know. [Nov. 5th, 2009|09:25 pm] [Tags | mundane, silly ] [ Current Mood | tired ] [ Current Music | Jay-Z's 'Run This Town', edited for the Yankees ] Guesssswhat? Tomorrow, instead of teaching my usual classes, I get to go to the ticker-tape parade! Huzzah! I am pretty excited. The big boss of our school decided that it's a "once-in-a-lifetime" cultural experience for most of the students at my school, and I must say I agree. I don't care much about baseball, but I think it will be fun, and I think the students will have a good time. After all, parades > teaching. Basic maths. Also I kind of saw the Yankees win the Series (not completely, but I saw them score all of their runs last night), so I was moderately invested. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. I do like my students. It'll be interesting leaving the classroom, since I kind of cease to be a teacher outside of the classroom and become just a person, but whatever, hopefully it'll be okay. Hopefully some of my students who are kind of like my friend in real life will come to the parade. Tomorrow is going to be a long day of city-ing, since Abbie and I have plans to hang out in the afternoon, and Mike and I have plans to get dinner, and Andy is coming in at 9.45pm. Whew, long day. Hopefully, though, fun. And I can wear jeans, so that is all to the good. Hmm. Andy will be 'round this weekend. I have no real plans. I have not talked to Phil since he recovered from Swine Flus, though I saw him today at Port Authority and waved hello to him. I need so much more sleep. I looked at myself in the mirror today and realized I have giant bags under my eyes. Fortunately glasses sort of obscure that. My ankle hurts. I feel like talking to Flandrew but he is not around. Soon I'm gonna watch Sunny, which is awesome. More for later. I'm tired, and feel like I'm forgetting to do some stuff. Link Speak of Peace

Things are getting interesting. [Nov. 3rd, 2009|11:23 pm] [Tags | cryptic, happy, mundane, theatre ] [ Current Mood | hungry ] I am starving and still have a phone call to make, but life is getting interesting, and from life being BORING AS FUCK for the last year, I will take what I can get. -- Some of my students are insistent that in Australia, they eat kangaroo. We have spent WAY too much time debating this in my classroom. WTF, world. -- In the case of ~ VS. Artistic Temperaments.... ~: +1, Artistic Temperaments: +0. HUZZAH! -- Here is a true fact: I am pretty much convinced that when I am not immediately in front of people, they completely forget about me. So I believe that when I'm not around, people don't talk about me or think about me, and I don't cross people's minds. I realize that this is silly, but this is honestly what I believe, even though rationally, I feel like I must be wrong. So when people remember me, as they did today, I feel super positive about it. Some examples? Well, Nathan called me this evening to remind me to vote. It isn't even an election in Massachusetts. He's not even from NJ. He's the last in the long line of people who have called me to remind me to vote, including Obama and Corey Booker. I've got to say, though, his call was probably the most personal (Nathan's, not Corey Booker's). Let's see. Will left me a message tonight, which made me smile, I've got call him back. And I chatted with Ricardo a bit at work, before he headed out, which is always fun. It's nice when he and Gil are around to back me up. And I TOTALLY KICKED THE LIGHT BOARD'S ASS tonight, so I win. As a prize, I'm going to bed. And calling Will. Possibly in that order. But yeah. Things seem to be getting interesting. I am probably completely wrong, but wouldn't it be cool if I was right? Link Speak of Peace

Motherfucking Sundays. [Nov. 2nd, 2009|12:35 am] [Tags | cryptic ] [ Current Mood | exhausted ] Shit. I blame Sundays, 'cause they are so fucking BORING. Link Speak of Peace

Tequilla? [Nov. 1st, 2009|12:12 am] [Tags | placeholder ] [ Current Mood | exhausted, drunken ] Margaritas are both a brilliant inspiration and a terrible idea. As in, they are DELICIOUS until the sip that suddenly makes them nauseating. Good night. I am so tired. Go Yanks, fuck Halloween. Hooray for relatives, pigs finding acorns, pointy witch hats, Indiana Ford, blob cookies and cats cookies taking a shit, and, of course, alcohol. But it would not be Kellow family without alcohol. Mmm. Here's to wishing I was sleeping next to someone tonight. More for tomorrow, when I am less completely exhausted. Good night, x2. Link Speak of Peace

Temperature regulation failure. [Oct. 30th, 2009|09:29 pm] [Tags | mundane, silly ] [ Current Mood | hot cold? ] Oh my god I have a sudden craving for a soda. This is noteworthy because I have had, in my entire life, maybe one sip of soda ever (some kind of Coke-type beverage) and found it revolting. Fizzy and sugar and sweet and disgusting. However, tonight, upon venturing downstairs to get a bottle of cold water from the fridge, I saw the few cans of soda we have there (my mom's...oddly enough, she drinks soda. She is the only person in my family who does), and thought "HOT SHIT THAT IS WHAT I WANT." Except the thing is, though, I don't REALLY want soda. I know that. I wouldn't drink it. And I am very, very thirsty. Which brings me to point two - I am having some SEVERE trouble today regulating my body temperature. WEIRD. I am hot. For those of you who know me, this is REALLY WEIRD, since I am perpetually freezing. Today I have mostly been hot, but when I take off layers, I get cold REALLY FAST. Or, I am cold on the parts of my body not covered by clothes (ie, arms) and hot on the parts of my body covered with clothes (ie, torso). Like right now. I'm wearing a t-shirt and am both too warm and too cold. WTF. I think I am dehydrated. Hence the bottle of water from the fridge. Hence the above paragraph. CIRCULAR DEADJOURNAL ENTRIES FTW. Today was the costume contest at school! I went as a rock star (bondage pants, fishnet shirt-that-is-secretly-made-from-pantyhose, thank you 妹妹 for being totally weird with clothes and teaching me how to be weird with clothes too, bracelets, hot pink tank top over fishnet shirt, sunglasses, rings, necklaces. I am so cool in my mind), and it was pretty fun. My favorite students all took a picture with me! (We are not supposed to have favorites, which is why the slashthrough.) I'm going to post it on the facebook tomorrow, I think, since it's an awesome picture of all of us. One of my coworkers came as the Chrysler Building. It was a pretty fun day, full of...not-teaching, really. And everyone loves not teaching, almost as much as they love not learning. I'm really not feeling well tonight. My whole body is going haywire. I think I might curl up and watch a movie, or read a book or something. Something that involves lying on/in bed and not moving. I want to watch Almost Famous but I have seen it so many times...yet I want to see it again... I dunno. I want to buy the new Star Trek movie. In totally random news, I now know what to wear, should I ever need to be an actual prostitute, or stripper. I now own an item of clothing that could really be helpful in that situation. Great. Link 1 hippie|Speak of Peace

Real geeks climb. [Oct. 28th, 2009|09:51 pm] [Tags | mundane, sick ] [ Current Mood | sick ] Updateyness, since I am sick now and annoyed, and just scraped the fuck out of my hand with a fucking safety cable. -- Yesterday I went to the doctor for ankleness. Verdict? Ankle is NOT broken (thanks, Montclair radiology! You guys are bitchin'), but I do have a pretty bad sprain. I have an aircast for it now, which makes it hurt much less than before. Word to that. -- Yesterday during my Day Off for Ankley Bits, I applied to 12725. I have no idea what will come of it. I applied to be a VC for the upcoming summer. We shall see. -- The weather over the past few days has been abysmal. The kind of weather that makes me want to sleep FOREVER. Also, I have a cold, as I discovered today, the nasty, icky kind, with running noses. Serenity has been very cuddly, possibly as a result. She likes to cuddle when rain comes, 'cause she doesn't much want to be outside. Aww, she is so totally my dog. Yay for 安人. -- HEY GUYS! IT'S THE WORLD SERwhogivesacrap. Go Yanks. -- Tomorrow I work both jobs. Boo to that, because I am sick and have nothing to read. This looks like a job for...SPENDING MORE MONEY AT BARNES AND NOBEL HOORAAAY I really need to not buy books so much. Maybe I'll just reread The Help. Actually, I think 'Olive Kitterage' was next on my list. If that's the name of the book. Friday is School Halloween. I am throwing together a half-assed costume, either a farmer or a rock star. Both involve basic crap from my room. I'll decide later which I'm going with. Right now I'm thinking farmer, 'cause I'm exhausted and cold and want to sleep, and farmer involves flannel. I hope tomorrow I can find a delicious place to eat lunch. I am tired. Enough of this nonsense. xkcd today was about rock climbing, AND I CAN'T CLIMB 'CAUSE MY ANKLE IS FUCKED. I'm annoyed. Link Speak of Peace

Scattered, yet again. [Oct. 26th, 2009|10:36 pm] [Tags | mundane, scattered, thinking, upset ] [ Current Mood | scattered ] [ Current Music | I'm empty and aching and I don't know why. ] I'm not going to work tomorrow! SO THERE. Tomorrow I'm taking off for what I'm calling a "Physical Health Day", because I'm going to go to the doctor to get my ankle / throat checked out. Both of these hurt me, and I want them to either not hurt anymore or to figure out why they hurt. So despite my general distrust for medical professionals, I am going to a doctor. After that, I hope to use my day well by planning for Idiot Halloween At Effing School (I hate Halloween but I think we're doing it in school so I HAVE to participate), and making bracelets. And doing...other things that might need doing? I should schedule a haircut, I haven't gotten my hair cut for a year. I win so many prizes. Heroes tonight! Man, back to sucking, although ZACHARY QUINTO WITH HIS SHIRT OFF!!! Oh my god I am in fucking LOVE. I mean, kinda. Whatever he is still shockingly hot. Also, Claire and Gretchen should get together because then I will be less bored with their subplot. Next week we're going BACK IN TIME to Charlie and Odessa and awesomness on that front! Hooray! I miss old Heroes. Hmm. Little else to say, except I'm bored. I think I will call Will, since I miss him. And soon I will go to bed and actually get enough sleep, for once. I wonder...is it weird to facebook message someone you don't know very well and say "Hi, I think you're really cute, and I just wanted you to know, if you're ever interested, we should do stuff sometime"? I am on the fence about this one. Especially since dude in question is my sister's age. But he's so cute! Tonight, as I was adding Mink to my livejournal friends page, I came across my special friends locked categories. Mostly they were stuff from high school and early college - there's no ODV lock. It's mostly girly locks, cutting stuff so I could talk about whatever without worrying some of the Contingent boyos would see it, and even some of the college boyos, before I realized I could trust them with anything. But there was one friends lock that's called "Hurt - not [." I know when I made this. I made this the night he decided to rip me open just for the hell of it. Summer of 2005, I guess. Just said absolutely everything he could to make me feel as horrible as possibly, just because he could. He had that knowledge, he had that power, he knows me well enough. He always knew me well enough...he knew everything. Out of everyone I have ever met...he knew everything. And one night he used it against me, just 'cause. So I made that lock that night. I think I only ever posted with it once. Seeing that made me suddenly, inexplicably, start to cry. I don't know if I can explain this. I don't even know if I have to explain this. It's just...he and I were, and always have been, so fucked up. This is the kind of thing that happened. This is the kind of relationship we had, these kinds of explosions, this kind of hurt, on both sides. There was that much pain. But there was something else there, too, that something that made HIM the only person who knew ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I mean, everything, Alex, Mack, Alex, Erin, Anelise, Bella, Chris Casey, John Godfrey, Karel, Andy, Steven, Andrew, Will, Alicia, Alex. There was nothing he didn't know. And now he's gone. And I miss him so fucking much. And I can't even fucking talk about it. I know absolutely no details about the whole thing, because I can't find the strength in myself to ask Lilly about it. Knowing the details will make it real, and I'll have to...deal with the object that is very literally in my closet. I don't know how to deal with that. All I know is that he is dead, and I am still waiting for him to sign back online. He'll IM me with a new screen name, and I will know it's him, because I always did. Because we always did fall back together, through all of the shit. We always did. Link 1 hippie|Speak of Peace

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